Funny how things can change in just one month.... Looking back at the previous post.... Everything has changed. And when I say everything, it's really everything....

I'm a mess. I'm a wreck. I'm breaking/alr broke down. It's almost three weeks. And yes, I'm still fighting this psychological battle with myself. Do you even know what I'm going through. I bet you don't. So much for claiming that you cared huh. Since you alr broke your promises, what else can I ask from you. Well, nothing's left. Nothing's left to hold on to.

Ever since I fell sick till now , the number of times I cried is like the number of times I cried in the past year. Yes that's how bad it is. I trusted you yet you used my weakness and fears against me. Do you think that makes you stronger or mightier. and so you asked why I cried. I couldn't possibly say to your face "because of you".

It fking hurts to know how you changed so quickly. From a priority to a freaking dispensable option. That feeling sucks. Yet I can't do a single shit about it. Do you even know how disgusted/turn off I feel whenever I see things. Do you know how much I hate it. Do you even know I wish my sixth sense didn't exist at all. So I won't feel all this shit. No you don't even know. Cos you moved on. What's left is me in your dust, trying to pick up all the pieces and move on. Suddenly pulling apart. Putting that fking huge distance between us. How do you think it feels. Well maybe you don't feel anything. But let me tell you it hurts.

Just this week, I was ready and prepared to face my fears. And you. What did you do. You backed out. Do you even know how disappointed we all were. Oh wait. Disappointed isn't even the word at all. What if something happened. Do you not know that there wasn't enough people. There was no medic at all. It was really lucky that nothing happened. And everything went well. I guess your reason is just pure bullshit. Since then. How many lies have you fed me with. Tbh, I just got tired of counting them. I gave up. To feel the hurt when I find out its yet again another lie is so not worth it.

This shit has got to stop. This battle has to be won. I can't go on like this anymore. I can't even eat properly. And all I want to do is just sleep and escape reality. And I cannot let you affect me anymore.
For the past month, I don't know how my body survived. Food rejection, shitting out who knows what, and all the hurt and tears. all my shorts have become loose. wearing them with belts is such a hassle. Constantly pulling them up is another hassle. proud of my body to have survived. But how long more can it take all these... Even the strongest body will fail after time.

No I'm not blaming you for anything at all. This whole thing may just be all my fault. I just don't want us to go back to the beginning. Back to the point where we were strangers. But this time, strangers with memories.

Really thankful to the few who stood by me. Endured all my rantings and my complains and my mood swings and my tears. Thankyou for being honest with me and being there for me and being my listening ear. Without you I swear this would be so much worse. I will win this battle. Not immediately but over time. I will emerge stronger than I was before. And I will not let my guard down so easily anymore. Thankyou pa, ma, momo, mat,ningx,siangz,Derek and gaz <3 I will get better!

I found you (:

So many things have happened in the past month.. So many happy memories. Memories created that will last for the whole lifetime (:

Firstly, 19092012 ! :D THE WANTED CONCERT ! :D managed to see my five gorgeous and talented guys again after a year. So kewt ! :D nath's voice when singing live is (Y). Me likey. Supersuper nice. That night was just magical. Glad that bought pen a tix. Cos nath and Seev were there most of the time :D :D

Moving on... Sept comm family :D

SEPT COMM FAMILY <3 hehehe thankyou for making my past 6 weeks of holiday so fun and meaningful (: (:
Meeting each other almost every single day. Going to so many places. Packing cookies and making pizza at apsn. Playing lanterns. spamming photos. eating tauhuey. fly kite. and so much more. Thanks for the memories (:

Papa, mama, gege, jiejie, ningx and fling <3 thankyou for all the joy and care.

And lastly, my dear zhu! (:
Thankyou for always making sure that I'm alright. And for looking out for me and just being the awesome person that you are (:
Even though we only like really know each other for almost one month only after the whole seven months, I don't get how you can just tell if I'm hiding stuff from you or not. And sometimes can even just guess what's wrong. Why you so smart huh... And your reason will always be "cos I'm your zhu ge". Tsk. but even so, Thankful that I have such a wonderful bro(: loveyou<3

Friends like you guys. To treasure and to keep forever. <3

Magically Disney <3

Theme for camp was Disney, hence the title.

Being part of comm= don't really have alot of time to interact with the buddies. However, still really greatful for the short times that I could spend with some of the kids. Dancing with chunfa at the campfire and closing, playing with Malcolm at the pool and also my dear boy Taufiq.

Glad to see familiar faces at the camp. Seeing their smiles and how they enjoy the camp/activity just makes you really happy and makes whatever effort you put in really worth it.

Wasn't really expecting them to rmb who we were. But when they came up to us and say "hey, I rmb you!", it's just that kind of indescribable feeling. Where you know somehow you have touched their lives during the previous camp and cos of that, they rmb you. Tbh, I was feeling quite sad on the first night cos my buddy from the previous camp didn't come and also another buddy from my grp last year only rmb his volunteer. But on the second day, it just so happened that I was serving Malcolm his lunch and he looked at me, smiled and said "I remember you". That really made my day (:

Moving on to my buddy, Taufiq (:
Well, I guess this dear boy is mostly misunderstood by all. They say he doesn't talk and he only relac at one corner. But I beg to differ. If they had made the effort to talk to him and engage him in the activity, it would be really different. Managing to get him to participate in the activity is already a step.Seeing the smile on his face and the happiness he's feeling while he carries out the activity really just makes me really really glad. Seeing the way he's being treated, it just feels really sad. The memories with you, I will never forget. Even those simple words you said, like "sweet", "bus" or just the alphabet, hearing you speak also brings joy to me. Being able to see the smile on your face, is the greatest reward. I really hope next year you'll have a better time (: till then, you'll forever live in my heart. Thankyou for showing me how simple things can bring joy to me.

The kids, are really awesome. Simplest things can make them happy. Through them, really can learn stuff. If given a chance, I would really love to volunteer again for YCC sept camp. Not as main comm but as a volunteer. To experience that joy and indescribable feeling that the experience brings.

You make my world go round (: <3

Never imagined I would have so much fun with you guys.
In the beginning, I was like the odd one out cos everybody knew almost everybody else. And the only two people I know always fly my kite:( so I was just the sit there one corner never talk person.
But, thankyou guys for accepting me into your family(:
I really really enjoy and treasure every single moment spent with each and everyone of you (:
From prog to logs to leaders, everybody. Like really really everybody, just love you guys so much. Even though I do disturb some of you guys. But is just for fun. Hehe. If I could, I would like hug y'all and keep y'all with me forever!

Camp is coming and I'm really really excited. But at the same time kind of sad too. Cos I don't want our magical moments to end! I really really hope our bonds go way way way beyond just this camp alone. and last till forever.

Y camp sept'12 comm, one that I'm proud to call family <3

Through this few months, and through everything, really really appreciate this two wonderful dears so so so much. None other than my dearest buttbutt and 三姐! Words can't describe how I really feel. Just manymanymany thanks for always being there for me, putting up with my nonsense, for the constant encouragement and also for always putting a smile on my face (: I really really love you guys so much<3 we go for the flyer ride tgt ouhkay! :D and don't forget our ikea date too!

This group of amazing people, if I ever have the chance again, I would definitely love to work with you guys again. Thankyou for bringing so much joy and meaning to my Monday nights. These precious memories, will be one that will forever be remembered.

In just one more day, our fairy tale will unfold. Our magic is gonna take place. And I'm sure we'll be able to make it through together and make a difference in the lives of the kids.

Sept'12 comm, iloveyou ! We can do this! JIAYOU ! :D

i can only imagine ~ (:

070712, Sam and angeline's day(: Honored to be part of their day and also to be able to play with yangyang. This boy super cute (: I guess we were all nervous while waiting for the march in to start. So we were sitting on the piano bench and talking. Jokes and random stuffs. In a way can laugh and not think bout everything so much. Really grateful for this person in my life (: For guiding me through my piano journey and for everything. After finishing the march in song he shook my hand somemore. Like mark the end of the job or sth. Maomao say I look like some Disney princess. didn't get to take photo with all of them:( ohwell.. There's still next time. The YMCA people say I look different.. How different can it be.. Is just a dress and makeup.. Usually wear shorts and Tshirt. Very different meh.. Haha. Came back sleep and then I did my elearning (: yaye (: hahaha.

Safe and sound ~ (:

Yupp so CTs are over... Failed one expecting to fail another and hopefully the other two can pass. Env was unexpected... Even though spent most time on it... ohwell... Well shan't complain bout it. Cos they say effort=result. And I didn't really study fr this CT anyways..

Kids camp.. New experience I would say. Leading a group of girls is no easy task. Discussions can talk to them until just feel like crying and giving up. That's how bad it was.

And not going to shanghai anymore. Won't give up my bio for a trip . Shall stand firm in my decision.

And tmr , BINTAN ! :D

another door will be opened (:

when one door closes another will be opened. lead to a place filled with so much better stuffs (:
well i guess my plans is not His plan. what i want may not be what He wants to give.
disappointed but i guess He knows what is best.

so didnt get into maincomm. but it's okay. well, now dont need to choose between oac and oip anymore. cos if get in must think. well now with the results out, there's nothing to hold me back anymore. can just go for shanghai trip (:
was selected out of the almost hundred people. so should make the best out of the chance given to me (:
well i guess is also good in a way cos dont have so much things to stress over and more time for other stuff too.
cos honestly i have no idea where my new journey with frogpole will lead me to. and also how this journey will be like.
kind of trying to bond with the kids. guys are friendly, existing leaders are helpful, girls are shy? idk. hopefully this will be a fruitful and fun journey (:
hope i dont let isaac and yang down. hopefully can be a good friend/role model to the kids.
no experience in anything at all. but i know He'll bring me through.

studies are just so ........ super lagging behind. with common tests just around the corner, hopefully can find enough time to study everything. stresssss D: also with all the ycamp stuffs D: bangwall:(

on the bright side, today was lab with briek :D he so cool luh! and nice to look at. hahaha. think today totally spoil impression D: cos was looking at stuff and talking to nev and very noisy and he look over and ask what happen. sighhhh. Last CEL today :D no more reports to write after i finish the current one :D

so today. yahhididcryforawhile. so what. i dont care. cos i got the love from my dear RRs and jiajia and friends <3
have i mentioned that i have the sweetest freshies ever. THEY ARE THE SWEETEST EVER <3
texted gerald and kim with this one sentence "i didnt get in" and their replies can make you gan dong until tear de. haha.
just so happen that ewt having director talk thingy then saw jamie and chunkiat. this cute girl asked me to cheerup even though i didnt say anything to her. and chunkiat told me that everything's alright and that this kind of thing dont need care de. even now, my dear kim still asking if im alright or not. went to look for jiajia after lab. thank God for putting that sweet girl in my life <3 gave me one hour of her time and talked to me and cheered me up (: and also for froggy! unexpected but had a nice short talk with you (: love you all so much <3 feel so blessed (:

idw my impression of you to change totally. not change for the better but for the worse. i really dont want that to happen. but im sorry. your actions have just made all our impressions of you change. always we have respected you and had very good impression of you. but now, it's just all gone. just that one thing that you did. it spoilt so many people impression of you. is this what you really want.... idk.. just.... all the best to you.