I'm a mess. I'm a wreck. I'm breaking/alr broke down. It's almost three weeks. And yes, I'm still fighting this psychological battle with myself. Do you even know what I'm going through. I bet you don't. So much for claiming that you cared huh. Since you alr broke your promises, what else can I ask from you. Well, nothing's left. Nothing's left to hold on to.
Ever since I fell sick till now , the number of times I cried is like the number of times I cried in the past year. Yes that's how bad it is. I trusted you yet you used my weakness and fears against me. Do you think that makes you stronger or mightier. and so you asked why I cried. I couldn't possibly say to your face "because of you".
It fking hurts to know how you changed so quickly. From a priority to a freaking dispensable option. That feeling sucks. Yet I can't do a single shit about it. Do you even know how disgusted/turn off I feel whenever I see things. Do you know how much I hate it. Do you even know I wish my sixth sense didn't exist at all. So I won't feel all this shit. No you don't even know. Cos you moved on. What's left is me in your dust, trying to pick up all the pieces and move on. Suddenly pulling apart. Putting that fking huge distance between us. How do you think it feels. Well maybe you don't feel anything. But let me tell you it hurts.
Just this week, I was ready and prepared to face my fears. And you. What did you do. You backed out. Do you even know how disappointed we all were. Oh wait. Disappointed isn't even the word at all. What if something happened. Do you not know that there wasn't enough people. There was no medic at all. It was really lucky that nothing happened. And everything went well. I guess your reason is just pure bullshit. Since then. How many lies have you fed me with. Tbh, I just got tired of counting them. I gave up. To feel the hurt when I find out its yet again another lie is so not worth it.
This shit has got to stop. This battle has to be won. I can't go on like this anymore. I can't even eat properly. And all I want to do is just sleep and escape reality. And I cannot let you affect me anymore.
For the past month, I don't know how my body survived. Food rejection, shitting out who knows what, and all the hurt and tears. all my shorts have become loose. wearing them with belts is such a hassle. Constantly pulling them up is another hassle. proud of my body to have survived. But how long more can it take all these... Even the strongest body will fail after time.
No I'm not blaming you for anything at all. This whole thing may just be all my fault. I just don't want us to go back to the beginning. Back to the point where we were strangers. But this time, strangers with memories.
Really thankful to the few who stood by me. Endured all my rantings and my complains and my mood swings and my tears. Thankyou for being honest with me and being there for me and being my listening ear. Without you I swear this would be so much worse. I will win this battle. Not immediately but over time. I will emerge stronger than I was before. And I will not let my guard down so easily anymore. Thankyou pa, ma, momo, mat,ningx,siangz,Derek and gaz <3 I will get better!
