numb .......

Feel like a giant mess .... Oh and btw did I mention , th door's just there . Anybody else wanna leave . Idw t be anybody's reason why they do stuff .. It's your own will . Your own decision . I'm not gonna take a knife and force you . Dipsy says I need a doctor . Yes I'm going mental . I cant hold it there anymore . On th verge of breaking but not breaking . Body now has this function where it auto numbs emotions . When this function cease to exist , i'll really break down super super bad .so much build up but no release . Idk also . I really don't . Maybe one day I'll just loose myself altogether .

times like this ....

Times like this I just feel like escaping ... Found out things that just hurt me so bad .. But then again . It's like my body's natural reaction to numb myself against all these stuff . Like there's this auto switch off emotion mode . Which just kicks in whenever I want to escape or th thing that's happening hurts too much . Yes now I'm currently on a no emotion mode . Didn't even tell anybody . Like I just want to shut out th world . Except for kirro and jiajia and Ian and elvina . They could tell and they could see that sth was wrong . Love you guys <3 aiish . Idk . I really don't . To act dumb or what . I'm not a toy :( dammit . Why do I get this feeling that I was nothing but just a replacement while you were bored . Th realization was like smack in my face . Plus other stuff also . Sigh . Sad sad life :(

the little joys in life (:

I really really thank God for th people he put in my life . Be it new friends or old friends . Well . Idk what t say now . But really overcome with emotions . Really touched by them . Especially my dear Parker <3 seeing you happy also makes me happy . You sad we also sad . So cheer up kaay ! We love you ! <3 <3

GLAD YOU CAME <3

OMG I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE WE WENT TO MEET THE WANTED . it just feels so surreal . Like it's all a dream . From th moment they went onto stage I was like WOAHHHHH . Can't believe it ! Hugged all 5 ! :D and still got kiss de . Omgomgomgomg . SIVA IS SO DAMM CUTE! :D Nathan also . So sweet . He hug and then say sth like love you mwah . NATHAN SO CUTE :D can't rmb what th rest say . But they damm cute luhhhhh ! Tom like super duper friendly . I still recovering and then he went HIIIII then hug . OMGOMOMG ! damm high ! THE WANTED IS SO DAMM CUTE ! totally made my Sunday evening complete .
when went on stage then nobody want jay :( then when i finally walked on , his arms open big big for hug . like OMGGGGGG . so sweet . even though i dont really like him . but still .... hugged my IRISH next . please please please let kim be th one standing beside me . if not then th random person be so short until when th photo come out can crop it so that can see siva only . but then jay also confirm inside ... caz his body was like piak on mine . can feel his body . hehe . i really wanted th spot in between nathan and siva :( but was too late :( oh well . i got to see them :D :D :D like never would i expect this day . and they are coming back in feb :D 5 more months to go ! :D :D then th next time round must go find out all their flight details ! missed once chance already . not gonna miss another ! hopefully can uhh . THE WANTED is like making me so happy :D they all super super super cute . where else can you find such awesome people . famous yet humble and friendly and so warm towards their fans . looking at their album and watching their videos just makes me smile (: they're really the cutest thing ever .

PERSEUS :D

Back from oac . Perseus lika fun only . Got nana there :D hehe . And jiesi also (: First day go boomnetting ? ( don't know how spell ) so fun (: then went t survivor island . It's really a no man island . Have t dig toilet yourself and sleep in tents . Day two went kayak . Paired up with mag and Isaac . Finally experienced th capsizing part . Was fun despite th many times capsizing . Then go back main island and did high element and climb coconut tree (: so fun (: hehe . Day three go dragon boat and flying fox . Th dragon boat so cute . Is fix fix fix de . Not one whole boat by itself . Flying fox was funnnn (: then bus ride t ferry terminal = sing a Long session . One hour of singing . So fun (: Well overall oac was super fun (: and th only bad part was th migraines and headaches :( learning how t sign " what are words " super cool . So fun learning (: Perseus is like so fun (: and awesome (: Perseus Sui zai ho :D and we are th Demigods and we are th best 因为我们是 Perseus ! :D

:(

Left leg hurts caz of somebody ... Stupid . Went see zhong yi and he say nothing's wrong . If nothing's wrong then it won't be so pain right .... Sigh . Why happen now :( I still got a camp on Friday ... Tmr still need walk t jp Take bus ... Die already Lo liddat . carry bags and walk . Die already luhh . :(

yawnnn ...

super tired now ... s&s today again was rubbish ...
like seriously im really sick of everything .... only good thing was percussion de stuff settled le .
super pissed luhh . some idiot act big . read script already comment so much . you so smart you go do luhh . we all need to take so much nonsense then spend like 5 hours writing th stupid script and you comment so many . bang wall and die luhh you .
good part of today was chalet i guess . met yun and lin at dover then crapped th whole way to pasir ris. then got bbq :D awesomeness (:
then all th nonsense starts again D: sigh ... sian much .. i really need air now uhh . really suffocating ... :(
broke down again . like whutttttttttt . thank goodness for laptop and everybody else playing game then nobody found out . and also thank goodness for zijian to help extend deadline and everything . so now like finally finish doing th stupid thing .

omg i think i will die luhh ... practise like monday wednesday thursday friday . can die luhhhhhh . bankrupt already luhh . transport fare damm ex . ugh .
fmlfmlfmlfml .
this really a whole load of crap . faster over .........................

super tired now .... mentally tired and physically tired too . feeling super exhausted .

let's hope that i can survive this ...

idk why but i already lost more than 50% interest in this whole thing . is like a whole load of nonsense . this whole thing is nonsense. it's going no where . im really really tired . sometimes i just want to get out of this thing altogether . yes i know you anxious . but then dont you think all your pushing and then we having t worry bout stuff too will only crush us even more . im already struggling to breathe. i need space . i need air . not everybody crowding and taking away my air .

im already telling myself to be strong and face this whole thing bravely . but i guess it just doesnt work th way i want it huhh ..

how many times have i been on th verge of breaking down . tbh , i can tell you ALOT . not once not twice but really many many times .

whole day whole night these three words pass through my head like idk how many times . s and s . its not that we're not trying . we are already trying our best. cant you see it . firstly, you told us late. secondly, it's exam period ehh ! who in th right mind will go discuss when it's exams . aren't you contradicting yourselves . at first you said exams were important then now you say this whole load of nonsense also very important . so now what . you want us t sacrifice our gpa for a stupid 10 min performance . im sorry but no . i will not do it . these few days . you guys keep pushing and pushing . do you even know with each msg and meeting i get more and more demoralised . of course you wont .here i am trying t be strong . and yet i just crumble even further .

im really in a great big mess now . i really dont know uhh . not only you want th thing to be a success right . we also want it to be successful . ya i know you serious when you said you will scrape us off if our performance dont meet your standards . but dont you think sending that message at 2:17 in the morning is ridiculous . do you even know what you said will affect my sleep . and my life . im really breaking . i even dream of it now . do you even know how bad this is . of course you dont . all you can see is how inefficient we are and how lousy we are .. you said " dont make me loose trust in you" oh come on . you already made us dont like you by saying that . here we are trying our very very best and rushing everything and there you are giving a whole load of bullshit .

i really dont know anymore uhh . i really dont .......................